The Diary of a Teenage Longnose
by Angelde1
Summary: I planned to finish my senior year,marry my dream girl,maybe go into accounting. Now I'm tutoring sexy swordsmen, spying on teachers, and uncovering murder plots. So this is either my life, or a train wreck. I honestly can't tell the difference anymore.AU
1. Chapter 1

Summary: I planned to finish my senior year, marry my dream girl, and maybe go into accounting. Now I'm tutoring sexy swordsmen, spying on teachers, and uncovering murder plots. So this is either my life, or a train wreck. I honestly can't tell the difference anymore.AU

Disclaimer: If I was Oda, I would have more than five dollars in my pocket.

A/N: So I have an awesome beta who made this thing readable. Three cheers for magique! Mkay, this story is gonna be a little hard to follow since I've had this crazy idea in my head forever. But now that I've written a few other fan fictions, I knew I had to get this down on paper. Erm, only two characters in here will go past the Alabaster arc, so if you're not that far into the series this shouldn't hurt you too much. I'll be using a few filler characters, hopefully that won't confuse you manga readers. I suppose this is an AU, really it's more like a "if the OP universe had a high schools" sorta thing. Usopp will be telling you most of anything I left out. Don't hold it against him if he gets a little dramatic. And be sure to review, okay darlings? 

000

I was born with a 3 inch long nose.

For once, I'm not exaggerating. My parents loved it. It was identical to my mom's nose and I was proud of it.

Then I started school, and it was like holding a neon sign that said ,"BEAT ME," in pretty, flashing colors. 

It's about nine inches long now, and has been broken so many times that I have Christmas dinner with the guys at the ER. Really.

Still proud of it, though.

So where the hell am I going with this? Hold on, I'll explain.

First, let me tell you what this is not. 

This is not a story about Zoro and Sanji's hot, passionate love affair. In fact, this is the last you will read about Zoro and Sanji's hot, passionate love affair. (Not, you know, forever or something because I don't have that kind of power). I mean, they're both nice and all, but I'd rather have my finger nails pulled out _one by one_ then walk in on Zoro and Sanji's hot, passionate love affair. Since this is my story _damnit_ we will stop talking about those two people who's hot, passionate, love affair will never be thought of again. Ever.(In this story).

This is not yaoi, or shounen-ai.

Just kidding. I have no clue what this is, because there's this girl (and she's wonderful) and then there's this guy (and he's stupid, a little scary, but sexy as hell-) 

Screw that, moving on.

This is a story about some kid. One whose dad ditched him to become a pirate. One whose mom died shortly after. A kid who learned not to borrow money from girls with orange hair(the interest rate is _ridiculous_) and that real friendships are formed in the oddest of situations. 

He's learned janitors' closets are particularly roomy (big enough for two). That if you think your study hall teacher's creepy, get the hell outta there. And that while mornings "after" aren't all that awkward, they certainly aren't full of love confessions.

He's a liar too. I think it comes with the nose.

He hopes you weren't expecting something beautiful, with long pretty words, flowery ukes, and sex in the first chapter. (Not that he doesn't like sex. He's a seventeen year old boy, isn't he?) No, this isn't that kind of story. There, I've told you. You can leave now if you want. I certainly won't hold it against you.

So, you're gonna stick around? Here's your last warning: this is awkward, this is crude, this is quirky, but this?

This is my life.

Signed, 

_A Teenage Longnose_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks for all the reviews; I loved every one of em! Erm… okay I suck. This took like 2 months for me to post. My excuse is…um…O LOOK ZORO'S GETTING NAKED!!runs away

But it's TOTALLY NOT my beta's fault. Magique, you're practically an official editor, and my work would be shit without ya!

**Disclaimer**: Am I Oda? You tell me. Seriously. I'm confused.

(Hey, did ya'll actually look when I said "Zoro's getting naked?" You know you did. Perverts.)

000

As I've already explained, my world is pretty crazy. Some would say there was no real starting point to the madness; that fate sort of planned for things to end up like this.

That's bullshit. I know where this all started: with Arlong. (And Luffy, of course, that_ stupid_ monkey….)

So before I talk about everything that's happening now, allow me to introduce you to a few of the freaks that got me into this mess.

000

_Three years ago_

Imagine that you've been shot. It's fatal-you can already tell that much. Blood is gushing every which way and it's so freaking painful that you're just waiting for death and it's taking _forever._

Yeah, that's me waiting for the final bell to ring. Every student in Eastside Academy is (metaphorically) waiting to die. Because this isn't just any bell. This is the bell that gets us off for-

_BRRRRRRRRRIIIINNNGGG_

Everyone totally loses their minds. People are making out on tables, ripping up papers, sliding on their stomachs, the usual 'we're-young-and-excited' shit. (Though the most hilarious thing has to be our teacher, who runs out the door screaming "SO LONG YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!! I HOPE SANTA RAPES YOUR MOTHERS!!").

Yup, it's only Christmas break. But, I think as I rush to my locker while trying to avoid being trampled, this school is pretty much hell, so any sane person would want out.

Suddenly, I'm knocked to the floor with a, "Watch it, loser!"

Scratch that. Any sane person wouldn't _be_ here.

"Usopp!" a voice cries out. But it's not just any voice. It's the voice of…_ a thousand angels._

"Usopp!" Kaya kneels down next to me and feels my forehead. "Are you hurt? Is any thing broken?" I have to smile. She's always worried about me, Kaya. She's been my friend for as long as I can remember. She reminds me of my mother: always happy even though she's often sick. I hate worrying her. Kaya, I mean.

My mother's dead.

Whoa, have to ditch that depressing train of thought. After all, it's Christmas. I stand up and pull Kaya to her feet. "Don't worry, Kaya! I've taken way worse hits!"

And I have. Even though I've only been here for half a year, this stupid school has already left an imprint on my ass. A foot shaped imprint. I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, but this is kinda a fighters' (synonymous with meatheads', Neanderthals' or dumbass') school. All you need to know is Eastside's one unwritten rule: only the strong survive.

This place is so horribly cliché and I'm considering setting it on fire.

"Picking on a freshman like me, that won't make you a man," I mumble to the nameless jerk. He's long gone now.

"So you have to-Usopp are you even listening to me?" Oops, Kaya was saying something.

"Of course I am." I lock arms with her while pulling her towards the school's exit. "Hey, lemme walk you home! I'll tell you about the time I saved Christmas. Man, that's one adventure I'll never forget, with the psychotic elves and-"

"Oh Usopp," she sighed, trying not to smile. "You weren't listening. I was reminding you about your art project."

I stare at her blankly.

She laughs. "The one for the art show. You've been talking about all week it. You said it would be a masterpiece, but you have to stay after school today to finish it."

Oh. That project. "But who's going to walk you home?" I point to a window we're passing (I am still surprised we even have windows, this being hell and all) where hailstones the size of golf balls are hurtling towards the ground.

"Don't worry about me," she says, pulling her arm from mine. "I've got the umbrella you made for my birthday, remember?"

"Not just any umbrella. _The_ Umbrella. You have to emphasize the '_the_'," I reminded her. It's one of my favorite inventions, made of material stronger than titanium steel, but lighter than a pound. Stylish too.

I tinker with things; chemicals, explosives, the usual stuff. It's what keeps a normal guy like me alive at a crazy place like Eastside. You'd be surprised at the damage a slingshot and a couple of highly explosive marble shaped bombs can do.

"I'll keep that in mind. Well, I'm off! You'll call me and tell me about that story when you get the chance, right?" She's already drifting away.

"Anything in the world for you, since I'm in love with you and stuff." Except I don't say that.

Come on, I've had a crush on this girl for three freaking years now. What makes today the day that I confess my love for her? Nothing. But…Christmas time is pretty romantic, right? Maybe I'll show up at her house some snowy night and she'll realize that she's always loved me. I'll whisk her away, and then comes Happily Ever After (which includes good sex, right? They never mention that in the fairytales for some reason).

Or maybe not. A guy can dream though.

"Of course!" I yell after her. She waves, and then she's gone.

The hallways are almost completely clear since everyone has finally clawed their way out the doors. I shove my hands in my pockets and try not to think about Kaya, with her wide brown eyes, bright smiles, and a nose that's slightly upturned and so cute you just want to kiss it….

_Anyway_, time to start my project. I'm making something pretty unique-an edible painting (gold star if you can guess who the painting's of). I would need to get supplies from the cafeteria and various rooms, so it's a good thing that I've "borrowed" some of the janitor's keys. What was he thinking, leaving them out like that? Someone much less honest then myself could have found them.

I causally start towards my destination with a brilliant plan forming in my mind (yes, the plan evolves Kaya, but I didn't think about her for a full minute, which is a major improvement. Trust me). The plan goes something like this:

1. Get stuff from the cafeteria, to;

2. Produce a masterpiece, and;

3. Enter it in the art show, so;

4. Kaya sees said masterpiece, causing;

5. Kaya to fall in love with Usopp, resulting in;

6. Usopp and Kaya living Happily Ever After (sex included).

It's almost too easy.

000

This is one of those rare, unfortunate times when Sanji just _knows_ he'll be late.

See, Sanji usually has no trouble getting from point A to point B. After all, gentlemen are never late. But, today, all this random shit keeps getting in his way and it's starting to _piss him off_.

"Party Table Kick Course!" his feet are spinning through the air, smashing the faces of his surrounding opponents. Those opponents, more specifically mermen, fall to the ground, unconscious. Yes, mermen. Who were supposed to be in the Grand Line, but seemed to pop up out of nowhere to waste his time.

Sanji is supposed to be registering at Eastside Academy and, yeah, transferring from Northside in the middle of the year wasn't exactly his idea of fun, but a new school means new ladies and that's always cool with him. Of course, that's not what he's doing at the moment. Unless high school registrations involve being surrounded by thuggish mermen. In that case, everything's perfectly normal.

He sends a kick in a random direction-according to that cracking sound someone's nose is broken-and he keeps at it until he notices that the mermen are a bit distracted by something behind him.

"Duck Blondie," is the only warning Sanji gets before a sword sweeps _centimeters_ over his head to slice a merman sneaking up on his left.

It doesn't take him long to recover from the shock that comes from almost being decapitated (he works at the Baratie) and turn to face his savior-slash-attacker. It's a boy, around Sanji's height, wielding a sword like he knows his stuff. The boy continues to fight merman, as if he hadn't just tried to _cut Sanji's head off._

"Watch where you swing that thing, asshole!" the blond screams in his direction. The swordsman pauses and gives Sanji an extremely unapologetic look. He probably would have mentioned just how unapologetic he was if something hadn't caught his eye.

"Shit. Oi, blondie, do me a fav-"

"The name's Sanji. And you're outta your mind if you think I'm doing you any favors." Just looking at the other boy pissed him off. He was probably some street punk, if the worn black bandana on his head was anything to go by. He might have had some argument with these merman, and that's why they're going all psycho, and _what the hell is Sanji still doing here?_

Bandana Boy (as Sanji decides call him since he's too rude-and probably too stupid-to introduce himself) ignores Sanji's snarky comment. "Then do him a favor. Or you can let the kid drown."

Sanji looks around. "There's no one drowning, you lying-" Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees it. Someone _is_ drowning.

In a _fountain_.

"…he has to be a fucking idiot." Sanji observes.

Bandana boy sees no reason to lie. "Yes. But he saved my life." He looks Sanji right in the eyes. "Just like I saved yours."

Much to his discontent, Sanji finds himself removing his shoes. Gentlemen always pay off their debts. Unfortunately.

"Cover for me," he mumbles, clearly unhappy. Bandana Boy barely nods, busy dealing with the final wave of enemies.

Sanji wastes no time jumping into the fountain. He grabs an unconscious dark-haired boy by the back of his tattered red shirt and drags him out of the water.

He resurfaces to find Bandana Boy sitting on the ground, and the remaining mermen properly dealt with.

"What the _hell_ is going on here?" Sanji asks through gritted teeth. He is wet, and therefore livid. But he has patience (he works at the _Baratie_) so he waits for Bandana Boy to answer.

It's clear that the boy doesn't intend to explain anything. Instead he unties his bandana, revealing his bright green hair. He stands up and stretches, then reaches for the unconscious boy in Sanji's arms. He pauses with a groan when he notices Sanji's pissed off look. "It's a long story and we have to go save Nami now, so just give me Luffy and get out of my sight."

Sanji is about to lose his (amazing amount of) patience until he hears that name. "Nami?"

"Yeah," the green haired boy yawns, "I'd rather not save her, but Luffy-"

Sanji's heard all he needs to hear. "I'm coming with you," he decides.

"Eh?! No way-" suddenly Bandana Boy is interrupted by Sanji's finger in his face.

"There is no way I'm letting a punk like you," the finger jabs at his cheek accusingly, "rescue a lady with a name as beautiful as Nami." Sanji sighs wistfully. "Ahhhhh, what a charming name…_Nami-swan_!"

The boy slaps Sanji's finger away. "Whatever, gimme Luffy and let's get moving."

Sanji lets the boy hoist 'Luffy' onto his back. Bandana Boy has already started running (to God-knows-where and why the hell is he following him again-) when Sanji realizes something. "Hey," he calls, catching up to the boy, "I didn't get your name."

The boy doesn't slow down. "It's Zoro. Roronoa Zoro."

000

**THE REAL A/N**: Okay, sorry for being so late with the chapter…But I'll tell you a secret!! I hate giving away stuff about my stories, but I guess I should at least ya'll the main pairing (sadly, it's not Uso/Kaya, but they're pretty cute too). Take a deep breath, prepare to be shocked…

Dude, it's ZOSOPP! Ok, some people might have figured that out from the prologue and summary, its fine if you didn't. I just don't wanna be flamed by rabid Zosan fan girls later on. That's stupid and pisses me off, cause there is PLENTY of Zosan in the world. BUT WHERE THE HELL IS THE ZOSOPP? IS IT UP YOUR ASS? PLEASE REMOVE IT FROM THERE!

Kidding, kidding. Yeah, I'm a stupid knucklehead McSpazzatron. Review anyway darlings ;P


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